bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
B
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.