Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.