Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.