Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home