ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying