I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!