You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.