I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh