Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
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*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”