I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
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God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Love this one 😂🧟
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.