As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.