Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
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Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.