I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.