Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
A choir of Spring onions
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.