I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
i love modern commerce
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.