You Might Also Like
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens