A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
kids play hide and seek like
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My dating profile:
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.