my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
we’re gonna need another temp
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”