Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
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so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Coffee for people with no kids
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man