Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
i spent way too long on this
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.