Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Digital security in Ancient Troy