I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
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[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.