I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
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It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal