*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried