Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
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me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Mouse
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.