First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Girl, same.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.