My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
You Might Also Like
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely