My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Tremendous stuff
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Children of the corn 🌽
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?