My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.