I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.