Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
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It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?