“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
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“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.