I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
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Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?