9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.