[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
You Might Also Like
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
hmmm
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.