Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.