Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
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Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in