Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
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My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die