friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]