I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.