If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Happy Halloween 🎃
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Good point.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite