This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.