Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me