I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
i think both sides are to blame here