of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
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Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that