Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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What if all the cashiers are married?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.