me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
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Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”