Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
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I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Sign at work today
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
asking santa clause for nudes
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor