[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Flowers bee like
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this