Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
🙂🙃🥹
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.